Hey it has been awhile but I am here and alive slightly. I hope everyone is climbing the mountains they face. It takes patients and resistance. But honestly its beating the shit out of me.
I failed my math test today. I keep messing up at work. I have no friends. I’m not sure what I am graduating with. I just know I got big dreams. I got goals to be the best woman I can be. My horoscope this week says I need to trust myself. Apparently a Lunar eclipse will be occurring in August so all the emotions are just being pulled out by its gravitational force. So hey lets flow with the flow. Being emotional can always be deemed as weak, but whats wrong with listening to what your inner voice reaching out to you about.
I used to go to therapy and my therapist told me sometimes in those moments when our emotions are just wild they are probably just saying, “Hey I know you busy but I am here and you should listen to me.” All though it sounds eerily similar to a nagging girlfriend I know you realize once you start listening the nagging stops (well for most). So when is the last time you sat listened to yourself? Sat down and took some time with yourself. Not because you had to but because you choose to. It is okay to choose you. I know I have issues waiting for others to choose me but I am starting to realize I need me too. I need to choose me first. “In a room full of everyone else, want you first.” This is my new task as a dig deep on the journey of learning, loving, and embracing me.
I recently found myself wallowing in self pity because I am pretty much a loner. I sometimes ache for the familiarity of friends surrounding me. But I listened to this interview with Princess Nokia ( look her up right now!) discussing spiritual solitude. She explained at a point in her life she came to understand that she must be alone. She no longer was relating to those around her and the things she participated in were no longer benefiting her growth. She had step away from everything in order to step fully into herself.
I am twenty-two years old and I feel so alone regardless of who I am around (which isn’t many). This ache has been constant in my heart for so long. I recently was sharing this with someone that I am very soulfully close to and she could very much relate. She broke it down and said so perfectly, “Everyone doesn’t fit in small spaces, like some lights are so beautiful that others do not know how to accept them. Sadly the special lights are the most loneliest souls” *(Check out more on the advice below)*. I know many can relate to the point you have never fit in. But maybe you are not supposed to maybe your bigger than that. You are so great you create your own space. When I was young I noticed I never fit into a clique I just would wander and others who wandered too would wander into my space. Our connections drew us together. As I sit here and digest these facts all of it comes into a full circle. Your perspective shapes your life ultimately. Just because its dark outside doesn’t mean all is lost. Take a look closer into yourself. Look into your soul. Listen to your voice. The light is within you. In all of your darkest situations know and remember you are the key. You are the answer. You have everything you ever need in you.
Well my fifteen hour shift I had today is coming to a close, so I leave it at this; you are far greater than you can ever imagine. In light of the transgender ban I want to mention the film I watched on Netflix called The Imitation Game. This film was about a gay mathematician, Alan Turing, who faced a lot of adversity because of his sexual orientation. Regardless he created one the most greatest inventions that changed the course of WWII. In the film his character repeated this fact, “The people no one imagines anything of end up doing things no one could imagine.” Know yourself, believe in yourself, and be yourself regardless of the hate from others because they are reflecting the discomfort of themselves onto you.
Our source created you along with the oceans, forest, and mountains. You are a masterpiece. The more you work on you the more beauty you create. I love you. I send all my hope, faith, and strength your way.