Today I sat outside as the sun rays caressed my skin and I silently soaked in its warmth. I felt grateful for this small moment I had to sit with myself and nature. My body craves these pauses in life as if its vital oxygen. Beauty can be created at any time and we do not always need whole a lot for it to happen.
Through my self-growing I have been enjoying a lot of these moments. Whether it be through mediation or just a break at work. I know personally I did not always recognize this peace can be discovered on your own. The more stress I find with others and life it has pushed me to find solace inward. I am coming to the understanding that what we all are searching for may already be within us.
This is what led to my creation of this blog because there have been points in my life where I felt all I was just a entity of darkness. I felt I only brought negativity to myself and others. I felt I had no purpose in existing. For most of my life I have been battling with issues like this within myself. During during my junior year in college it had hit me the hardest. At the time I had been visiting home and I just remember sitting alone praying to God to just let me go. I felt I was not worth having a life. In the midst of my tears the moment became so surreal as the sun began to shine brightly through my window. I was completely paralyzed with fear because I felt like this was it for me. This was a sign that confirmed it was time for me to go. I had not fully understood what the message was at the time though. I did not know the Universe was not done with me yet.
Soon after I returned to school and everything completely fell apart and I just was done, so I decided I’d take matters into my own hands and end my life. Eventually my friend and mother figured out what was going on after they saw my goodbye text. Although me and my mother aren’t that close I hold these words to my heart that she had spoken to me during that time, “Never let anyone take your light Taylor.” I remembered that moment the sunlight had shined so bright on me and I realized I have light within me. I have a light within and I promised myself to not take it out of this world. I decided then I am going to live for this light. I am going embrace it and spread it throughout this world. A world that we feel is full of darkness because we all have the tendency to not recognize the light we all have within. That is what led me to start this blog to share myself which helps me deal with everything and hopefully it helps anyone else going through tough times. It was as if I was a glow-stick I had been completely broken so that I could see how I shine.
Honestly not until I got into college did I realize there was ways I could get help. Help as in a support system when I felt like all of it was to heavy for me to carry on my own. Support system can be people or even lifestyle changes that help strengthen how you cope. This first starts with you. No one else can take that step but you. It can be different for a lot of people. The best way I can describe it is growing a plant. You have to recognize its worth surviving first. Even though it may not seem that pretty at the moment you have to understand that growth is a process. You need to provide the essentials for it to survive. A healthy environment is needed internally and externally. Then the right kind of food and light is needed to sustain its life. That is a challenge within itself, but it is possible and it is completely worth it. Believe me I’ve been so low I never would have imagined I’d be in the mental state I am in today. Everything that I’ve been through and will go face I am grateful for. I would not be the woman I am today and will be without it.
Life has a tendency to give its hardest battles to its strongest soldiers. We just have to discover we have that strength within. It has been a journey I am still making mistakes then learning, and re-learning. I even went to therapy for a few sessions which helped because it provided assistance I needed to take to look at these broken parts and figure out what was going on. I learned balance is essential for my happiness. I learned I needed to give myself some more appreciation. I am learning to not sell myself short for someones love. Each and everyday I am getting the chance to learn about the beautiful light within me. Remember this is realistic so its not a happily-ever-after its more like a warrior conquering her battles through life. If you want to follow along you should follow me well my blog anyways.
Here’s helpful info just in case anyone needs it or just interested
Suicide Hotline 1-800-273-8255